The Importance of Negotiating in Relationships
Written by Keely Krueger, WIN Staff
When people think of negotiation, they usually think of business deals and important documents typically within a professional setting. It often fills people with dread, as they view it as something they need to engage in but don’t actually enjoy. This is even worse with women. According to research findings reported in Women Don’t Ask 2.5x more women than men said they feel “a great deal of apprehension” when it comes to negotiating. We may view it as a battle in which we need to “play the game” by incorporating hardball strategies and tactics to get what we want. It therefore might come as a surprise that negotiation is constantly happening in every one of your relationships and it doesn’t have to take a win-lose approach. In fact, the best negotiations occur when both parties or people walk away feeling satisfied and wanting to come back to the “negotiation table.” In the context of relationships, this makes perfect sense.
In fact, it is often easier to negotiate with our spouses or children than it is with our colleagues or supervisors. In an informal survey conducted by the Harvard Business Review, parents negotiate with their children on average about 6 times a day.
Psychology Today shares that couples in happy marriages tend to negotiate often with one another. When they negotiate, each person has an equal say in the matter and they are demonstrating their commitment to the relationship. Take note that negotiation does not mean a single party or both parties are constantly having to settle or compromise. When you compromise, neither person will get what they want, ultimately leaving both parties unsatisfied as they reach a middle ground. This could impact the relationship by causing issues down the road or feeling resentment towards the other. The relationship will not survive under these circumstances.
In honor of Valentine’s and Galentine’s Day this week, we wanted to explore a few things we can learn about negotiating within the context of relationships that we can apply to all of our negotiations.
1. Introduce the Issue
Before immediately launching into the negotiation, give your partner a heads up. Share that you have something important to discuss with them or that you want to negotiate. Using the words “we need to talk” is not ideal as they drive fear into most of us!
Provide insight on the topic of discussion, including specifics about the issue. Allow each person time to plan and prepare for the conversation, much like you would in any negotiation or interview. Couple and Family Therapist, Jacqueline McDiarmid, emphasizes that “the best way is to schedule a time to talk, rather than pouncing on them,” prior to having a difficult conversation. Additionally, ensure this discussion transpires in a conducive place where you both can talk freely and openly in a calm manner.
2. Clearly Communicate
Now that there is an awareness of the issue, share your wants and needs, but remember to stay on topic. Each person comes into the negotiation with an agenda, which is what they want and need from the relationship and their partner. Communicate clearly by expressing your perspective and how you see the situation. Don’t let other issues join the conversation, drawing each other away from the overarching topic.
3. Listen Intently
In negotiation, listen to the other person's view and ask open questions. Also, be empathetic by showing that you care and are trying to understand their viewpoint. Share your thoughts and feelings towards the situation too. I know that it can sometimes be hard to share your feelings, but good relationships require trust and vulnerability.
4. Next Steps
Once you have both worked out a solution, stick with the plan. Don’t change your mind after the decision is made. Ensure that both parties agree to the terms, follow-through, and keep each other accountable. This shows that you respect one another and is also a great way to know there is trust.
Positive negotiations in your relationships emphasize that you value one another, respect each other and that you both are contributing to the relationship rather than just taking from it. When one contributes to the relationship while the other takes, it’s damaging. An essential part of your relationship, negotiation helps your connection thrive and clear any bumps in the road along the way. Although negotiations can be nerve-wracking and viewed with either excitement or dread, it is a necessary part of all relationships. Keep these tips in mind for the next time you need to negotiate!
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