And You Think Your Boss is Tough: Negotiating with a Toddler
Photo Credit: Thomas Vogel, Getty Images
Written by Megan Spell
I recently spent time with my cute-as-a-button, clever-as-a-fox 2 ½-year-old nephew. During our time, I experienced things like Peppa Pig, Baby Shark (could have done without that), endless youthful energy, and personal longing for bed well before 7 pm. In addition to caring for and shaping another human being, moms have their work cut out for them. From what I have seen, toddlers are the fiercest negotiators around. Here are a few takeaways from my time with my favorite cherub-faced, angel-voiced, totally ruthless, pint-sized negotiator.
Be vocal.
Have you ever wondered what a toddler wants? No. Because they tell you. Even if they aren’t sure themselves, they are vocal about the process. Public places are excellent for observing the power, conviction, and clarity of the toddler “ask.” One minute they are fine and the next they are on the ground in a tearful meltdown because negotiations aren’t going their way. Through the hysteria (over something as terrible as not being allowed to jump out of the car window) it remains clear what they want. “I want to!!!!” Now, I’m not suggesting you engage in Shakespearean like dramatics, but it is essential to be clear about what you want. Ambiguity might feel safe, but that is baby-play. If you have verbal skills, do like a toddler and ask for what you want.
Be creative.
The following is a snippet from a two-hour long negotiation between my nephew and his mother over a chocolate. Observe the many angles, persistence, and use of “no” as an opportunity to redirect rather than signal defeat.
“Mommy, don’t come in.”
“What do you have?”
“A chocolate.”
“What did I say about the chocolate?”
“Thank you.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Mommy, can I have it?”
“No.”
“Santa said I can have a chocolate.”
“I know for a fact Santa did not say that.”
“Santa said I could have many chocolates.”
“Santa didn’t say that.”
“I’m hungry for the chocolate.”
“If you are hungry you can have a banana.”
“You have the banana and I have the chocolate.”
“You have to have lunch first.”
“I want it.”
“After lunch.”
“Then I can have a piece.”
“Yes.”
“One piece.”
“Yes.”
“For the day.”
“Right.”
“Can I have it now?”
“No.”
“For the day.”
“After lunch.”
By the end, he was allowed one chocolate in exchange for “no more talk of chocolate for the rest of the day,” something that wasn’t even on the table before the start of the negotiation. Although you might not be able to dedicate a portion of the day to obtaining something as significant as a sugary treat, do be persistent, and do think of creative ways to respond to a “no.”
Be prepared.
What started out as a cute opportunity to dress my nephew up like a cow and parade him around the neighborhood singing “Old McDonald,” soon turned into a negotiation nightmare. Why? The plastic pumpkin filled with Halloween candy, that still sits on a high shelf in the pantry, six months later. As seen above, the kid has a bit of a problem, a candy addict with a restricted supply. Though the pumpkin has slowly drained over time, the temptation remains and my sister uses her intimate knowledge of her counter-party to prepare. My nephew likes the idea of candy, but his real weakness is for fruit snacks, a treat she’s OK with. In preparation for the pumpkin negotiations, she puts the snacks inside of it. By anticipating her counter-party’s needs, when my nephew asks for a treat, she can offer him the thrill of something from the pumpkin (his real objective) and provide a tempting snack that mutually satisfies both parties. Plus she avoids a two-hour stand-off over a Tootsie Roll. Win-win.
Be aware.
Not every person you negotiate with will be professional about it. I was in the car at a red light when my nephew insisted we drive through it. After explaining you can’t go on a red, he told me just to drive really, really fast. When told it wasn’t safe, he responded, “Daddy does it.” Daddy is a proper Englishman that polishes his shoes regularly and makes spreadsheets for fun. Unless he moonlights as James Bond, he’s definitely not speeding through reds. Toddlers are ruthless. To get what they want, they’ll throw a man under the bus and not look twice. In this case, try not to follow by example, and please, watch out for those that do.
In a successful negotiation, both parties should leave with some level of satisfaction and the desire to work together again. Toddlers are fierce negotiators and often get their way, but would you want to negotiate with them again? Probably not. However, some of their tactics are worth taking note of: be vocal, be persistent, be creative, be prepared, and be aware that some negotiators won’t play by the rules. Follow this advice and you’ll be better equipped to deal with some of the toughest counter-parties around.