Overcoming Limiting Beliefs: Silencing the “Friends” in Our Heads

Written by Daniella Kahane, WIN Executive Director + CEO

We all walk around with our own set of limiting beliefs.  Like your “mean girl” high school friends, who are exceptionally adept at projecting their own insecurities onto you, leaving you feeling lousy and dejected but unsure why. 

These limiting beliefs are often sneaky — working on a subliminal level or just under the radar, masquerading as logic and rationale.  They beg to be thrown in as justifications or excuses and are closely linked with fear of failure and rejection.  

But like our high-school mean girls, they keep us small, locked into a script or narrative that isn’t serving us, preventing us from owning our true power and potential.   Once you start seeing them for who and what they are, though, you can gain the insight you need to begin losing them. 

Through my work at WIN I hear a lot of women’s limiting beliefs about themselves, usually around their value, and their ability to advocate for themselves.  Here are a few of the most common ones we confront and what you can replace them with when you hear their chatter.   

Limiting belief:  If I ask for x they will think I am greedy or entitled. 

Expanding belief:  I am deserving of x, and this is why.  That makes me a good advocate for myself (and my family).

Limiting belief: I am not qualified enough because I don’t have experience with… 

Expanding belief:  No one ticks every box and I bring lots of strengths to the table they are looking for.  I have confidence I can learn the skills I do not yet have. 

Limiting belief: I am not deserving of X because I am Y… 

Expanding belief:  I am deserving of X because I am Z...

Limiting belief:  I have less power in this situation  because my counterparty is more senior than me.

Expanding belief:  I bring quantifiable value to the equation that my counterparty is in need of and that is powerful.

Limiting belief:  If I list my accomplishments I will seem like a bragger. Besides, my actions should speak for themselves. 

Expanding belief:   Listing my accomplishments is being a good advocate.  My actions cannot speak for themselves.  It is my job to give them a voice. 

Limiting belief:  If I set boundaries I will come off as a b$tch. 

Expanding belief:  I can set boundaries with authority and kindness.  That does not make me a b$tch makes me a self-protective human. 

Limiting belief: I am a terrible negotiator.  

Expanding belief:  I can become a great negotiator with practice.  

If you identify with any of these thought patterns, I encourage you to try paying attention to when they show up.  And when they do replace them with an expanding belief.  It won’t be easy at first.  After all, they feel safe and familiar and the more you reject them, the more they will push to be your “friend.” 

Don’t be fooled by their “comforting familiarity.”  Over time and through practice, like your old high school friends, you will drift apart, and move on to college, so to speak, where you will find true friends, through expanding beliefs, that build you up, know your value, and appreciate you for you.