Raising the Next Generation of Empowered Women

Nov 23

Written by Daniella Kahane, WIN Executive Director + CEO

One of the exciting and also terrifying things about being a parent is the knowledge that how you raise your children will directly impact their success and their happiness in life. As the mother of three little girls ages 7, 4, and 3 months, and someone who gets to spend most of her days thinking about how to help more women feel empowered through my work with WIN, I feel particularly invested in this topic.

As I think about some of the subliminal messages I was raised with through the media, and through Disney films like Cinderella (which truth be told was my favorite), Snow White, The Little Mermaid, and Sleeping Beauty, and then look at my daughters and their love (at least the older two) for all things pink and princesses, I think a lot about what I can do to counterbalance these subliminal messages, which though better than they were in the 80s when I was growing up, are certainly still present. Lucky for me, I don’t have to look very far for an expert on this topic. My mother, Dr. Tamar Kahane is a child psychologist, with over 30 years of experience in her field, is one of five girls, a mother to three girls (and two feminist men), and a “Momsie” to six granddaughters.

Here are five pieces of her best advice on the subject:

1. Foster Independence

“Teach them how to problem-solve instead of solving their problems,” says Dr. Kahane. She outlines the importance of fostering independence around self-care, problem-solving, and decision-making. This type of collaborative parenting will “promote their sense of self to feel competent and empowered, and it will enable them to trust their perceptions and feelings, which will help them make good decisions for themselves in the long run.” Dr. Kahane admits this can be hard work for parents who often naturally want to control their children or do things for them but believes it is short term pain for long term gain.

It definitely takes me an extra dosage of patience when my 4-year-old daughter insists I put her shoes on her when we are late to school and I know she will tantrum if I don’t. But I resist, knowing that in the long run, it will be better for her sense of self to allow her to work through the frustration of doing it for herself. In those moments, I take a deep breath, hear my mother’s voice in my ear, and offer to do one for her while she does the other. Baby steps right? She eventually puts on her right shoe by herself, and beams with pride. Mission accomplished.

2. Embrace Their Mistakes

“We all know that making mistakes is part of learning but do we practice that knowledge? When our children make a mistake are we actually giving them the permission to do so or are we responding harshly, or impatiently? Allow them to engage in the process of learning by making mistakes.”

This is huge. So much of the time we think mistakes are an impediment to success but instead, Dr. Kahane is suggesting that by tuning in to our reactions to our children’s mistakes and seeing those mistakes as their learning process, we can actually unburden them from their fear of making a mistake. This will enable them to get better at something. It will also allow them to grow up with a kinder inner voice.

3. Praise The Process More and Praise The Product Less

“Praise the process of growing a work ethic,” says Dr. Kahane. She explains that this will help grow your child’s grit. Make a habit of finding opportunities to reflect on their process, rather than admiring their product. “What was your studying process like?” “Did it work for you?” “Did you work hard on that?” These types of questions will demonstrate the importance of the process over the product.

I put this advice to work later when my daughter shows me her magnatile sculpture. Instead of the very tempting “that’s beautiful”, I comment on how hard she must have worked on it, asking her about the pattern she employed, the windows she created, and the staircase she built into her design.

4. Don’t Peg Your Children

“As parents, we can inadvertently fall into the trap of putting our children in boxes,” says Dr. Kahane. “She’s my athletic one, he’s my verbal one, she’s my math wiz, etc... it’s normal to want to reinforce their strengths but this type of thinking stereotypes them and keeps them stuck in their lives,” she says. If they keep getting the message that they’re great in math for instance, but their sibling is great in English it’s easier for them to neglect or reject the thing that is challenging them, after all, you the parent are sending them the message that they’re not good at it.

Avoid this type of labeling all together by seeing your children in a growth mindset, which will help give them the skills to see themselves that way too.

5. Focus On The Internal

Girls often get praised for their looks, their wardrobes, their hair. “There is still so much emphasis put on the external - and the subliminal messaging of it can be very toxic,” says Dr. Kahane. As a mother of girls, I can certainly attest to this. So often people will comment on what a pretty dress, or what pretty hair, or what a pretty girl, etc. This type of messaging comes from all over, and it no doubt has a huge impact on us. You cannot control what others will say but you can control what you as the parents say.

Shift the focus away from the external and onto the internal with your children. This will help them derive their confidence not from their appearance, but from their internal state of being.

Sounds like a tall order? “View these shifts through a growth-oriented lens for yourself too,” she says, “with practice and patience comes skill.”