Thought Patterns That Are Holding You Back (And What You Can Do About Them)
Written by Katie Johnson, WIN Staff
We all have incredible potential to achieve great things. Yet, sometimes it feels as if the world is stacked against us and we can’t help but doubt the value we provide.
As soon as something goes wrong in our lives, as humans, we tend to fall into thinking “traps” or negative thinking patterns. These internal thinking patterns can keep us from being our most confident, productive, and successful self. Not only do they prevent us from achieving our goals, but they can take a serious toll on our health.
Negative thinking patterns are the source of tremendous emotional suffering and misery. In fact, they’re the key drivers of both depression and anxiety.
Imagine being surrounded by a group of negative people, who constantly belittle you and put you down. The constant barrage of negativity would start to get to you. This is exactly what negative thinking can do to your mind.
Negative thinking refers to a pattern of cognitive distortions, or unrealistic, exaggerated ways of thinking that leads to generally inaccurate self-talk and overly-negative emotions. By understanding the negative thought patterns that we engage in, we can take responsibility for them and choose to shift the “limiting beliefs” that take over our minds and change our thought patterns for the better.
In order to transform our mindset, we must first identify our core cognitive distortions and shift these habitual thoughts. Our self-talk and mental habits can often lead us astray from our values and acting assertively. As a result, our self-confidence and sense of self can erode.
What we think is determined by how we think.
Identifying and undoing negative thinking patterns and distortions takes reorienting our thoughts to be more flexible and realistic. Cognitive Restructuring is a simple but powerful technique to alter the way we construct our inner thoughts.
Based on the principle of Cognitive Mediation, which says that how we feel emotionally is not the result of what happens to us, but instead, it is the result of how we think about what happens to us. This means, in order to succeed, we must actively alter the way we construct our inner thoughts.
Cognitive Restructuring is a learned process. The first step is being aware of the distortion, then catching yourself using it, then replacing the thought pattern with more constructive and optimistic thinking. Freeing yourself from your own negative thoughts, if learned to do consistently, will affect every aspect of our lives.
Our way of thinking should be both realistic and helpful. But adopting a new way of thinking doesn’t happen overnight. Three of the most common negative thought patterns are: dealing in absolutes, self-deprecation, and anxious thinking. The first step to overcoming these negative thoughts is to grow your awareness about them when you are in the middle of them. Once you are aware, you can begin thinking about the situation differently.
Dealing In Absolutes
Sometimes we fall into the trap of absolute demands like “musts” and “shoulds” or “always” and “never.” These ideas tend to form values within ourselves. Cognitive distortions arise when we do not adhere to these perceived values. When we hold ourselves (and others) to unrealistically high standards, we are quick to point out when those standards are not met.
This involves telling yourself something as simple as, “I should have been more on top of things today” or “I should have been less nervous.” Or when you do make a mistake, immediately going to “I always do that.” While on the surface these statements seem harmless, they can actually lead to more panic, frustration, and more often than not, excessive guilt.
When we tell ourselves that things are not the way they “should” be and that things need to change, we don’t allow ourselves the latitude to make mistakes. Not to be confused with striving to improve, dealing in absolutes frames our thoughts in such a way that causes unreasonable pressure.
One way to reframe this common cognitive distortion is to shift your “I could have done that” to a “Next time I will do better” mentality. Give yourself credit for what you have done and trade in “always” or “never” for “sometimes,” or even better, “this time.”
Allow yourself to make mistakes. Perfectionism is highly unrealistic and keeps you very stuck. Try and see the positive in mistakes, accepting one’s own mistakes, as well as those of others. Instead of falling into the “I could have done that” mentality, instead think “Next time, I will do it better.”
Rather than analyzing and critiquing everything, cultivate a mindset that acknowledges and observes in a non-judgmental way. Instead of telling yourself you should be doing everything, see your qualities through a more objective and compassionate lens and remember, not everyone holds the same values as you do. To err is to be human.
Self-Deprecation
Under-valuing or belittling yourself is often a learned reflex. It can manifest through denying ourselves credit or through beating ourselves up for past mistakes. Self-deprecation can be damaging. By telling yourself that you aren’t enough (smart, extroverted, tech-savvy), means that you are focusing single-mindedly on your weaknesses.
One way to overcome this negative thought pattern is to make a list of your positive qualities and remind yourself to be realistic. Empty positivity is cheating yourself out of a learning experience. Instead of simply saying “This is OK”, when you don’t believe it, begin to understand that you are worthy. Forgive yourself of your past mistakes and then try and learn from them. Remember, you are enough.
Anxious Thoughts
To a certain extent, anxious thoughts can be rational and serve an important purpose. They keep us aware and prepared and safe. It’s when these thoughts spiral and become unrealistic that the negative thought pattern emerges.
If you find yourself overly fearful of a situation, Psychologist Elke Overdick suggests breaking these fears down to a more realistic level. Asking yourself (and answering) these five questions can help you regain control and defuse your anxious thoughts:
1. What's the worst that could happen?
2. What can I do to prevent "the worst that could happen"?
3. How likely is it the worst thing will happen?
4. What can I do if the worst thing does happen?
5. What will it mean for my future if the worst thing happens?
Expecting something “bad” will only increase the chance of you unconsciously creating the “bad”. Negative thoughts can increase your worry or fear but replacing these thoughts with encouraging, accurate ones, can keep anxious worries and irrational thoughts at bay.
Choose Your Thoughts
Cognitive Restructuring requires a negotiation with yourself as it means fundamentally changing the way we habitually interpret negative events in our lives. Adopting a new way of thinking takes a lot of repetition. Through practice and anchoring yourself in a new way of thinking, you’ll be able to cultivate an assertive and robust inner voice.
Keep a thought record by writing down what upset you (the trigger point), your thoughts about the instance, the emotions that followed, and finally outline alternative thoughts (more realistic ways of interpreting the situation). We cannot write as quickly as we think. When we force our thoughts down to the speed of writing, it often lowers the overall intensity of our feelings. Don’t become over-analytical with this practice. It shouldn’t take more than 5 or 10 minutes to complete.
By slowing down our thinking, we are able to be less emotional and be more aware of our thoughts and reactions. When we are upset, it’s natural to simply react or try to distract ourselves but if we break these bad mental habits, we will not only be able to think more clearly, but also have a sense of agency and control over our default thought patterns.
Create a circle of more supportive friends who can help you notice when you are being unkind to yourself, dealing in absolutes, engaging in self-deprecation etc. They can be a much needed mirror up to yourself that will help you gain the awareness and the tools to begin to shift your voice.
Learning to practice identifying and restructuring these habitual ways of thinking helps us not only start to feel better in the moment but can also help us train our minds to think about the world in a more realistic and balanced way in the long run. Remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it more than you know.
Not Sure How To Start Claiming Value For Yourself?
We can help you develop the confidence you need to become a more effective leader.
LEARN MORE
