Top 4 Reasons Why Gratitude Matters More than You Think in Negotiation
Written by WIN Executive Director/CEO, Daniella Kahane
Many people assume that showing gratitude in negotiation is counterintuitive, and would be perceived as a sign of weakness. I would argue the opposite. In honor of Thanksgiving and the season of gratitude, here are four reasons why gratitude is actually a great thing to cultivate in your next negotiation!
1. It will help you be a better problem solver.
Gratitude raises dopamine and serotonin levels, two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for positive emotions. This boost in dopamine and serotonin helps us feel 'good,' enhancing our mood. When we are in a more positive mood/state of mind we are better able to think creatively and flexibly, which are hugely important in negotiation. When we are narrowly focused on problems we block ourselves from seeing things in a positive, solution-oriented light, and can miss out on opportunities and creative problem-solving.
2. You will get better results.
Gratitude offers others a chance to rise to the occasion. We have all been in a situation where someone makes a mistake and our first instinct is to criticize, admonish, or rebuke them for it. We are likely projecting our own internal critical voice, which might feel good at the moment, but afterward, we, and the subject of our criticism will probably feel worse. When criticized, people tend to shut down, withdraw into themselves, or give up. This can have the opposite intended effect than we want from our spouses, employees, children etc. Instead of criticism, try leading with gratitude. Then siphon your criticism through a kinder voice. You will likely have a better response and the person you are engaging with will feel more motivated, not less, to rise to the challenge of whatever they are doing.
3. It will help build common ground.
It has often been perceived that gratitude in negotiation is a weakness that will signal to your counterpart that you are “soft” or can be exploited more easily. I firmly believe and have experienced the opposite to be true. We are all going through a lot these days, and in some ways, we are coiled up, expecting to be met with resistance, adversarialism, or hostility. Leading with genuine gratitude (not the fake manipulative type which can be even more of a turnoff to someone), can be positively disarming, and through it we can set a better tone, and change the tune of our interactions. This is so important in negotiation in general when we walk in and assume our counterpart is on the “opposite side” of the table from us - i.e. wants to say no. But in reality, in most negotiations, both sides will gain more from wanting to create value and seek out win-win solutions and showing gratitude can be a great way to create this type of relationship.
4. You will build better relationships.
As the great Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” This is so true and so important vis-a-vis negotiation. Gratitude can help someone feel valued, seen, and heard, which no matter what happens with the specifics of the negotiation, will help your counterparty walk away from that negotiation with a desire to come back to it. Many people get trapped into short-sightedness in their negotiations, falling on their sword, so to speak, for the low-hanging fruit, as opposed to doing the hard work in climbing the tree, slowly, for the higher, more rewarding ones. Sometimes, by conceding in the beginning, you can actually get more later on, but in order to have a longer-term perspective on life, you need to be building positive relationships and gratitude plays a huge role in this.
Obviously expressing gratitude is understood to be a generally good thing but especially in an adversarial context, or when emotions are running high, and you are least likely to be thinking of your gratitude, it can be an especially powerful tool to use and help you reframe a conversation for the positive.