Top Negotiation Fears Women Face and How You Can Overcome Them
Written by Katie Johnson, WIN Staff
Nothing is more powerful at holding us back than fear. And for many women, the idea of negotiating causes a great deal of anxiety.
When things like bias are stacked against us, it can be very easy to develop these feelings. Perhaps it is because we feel a bit like imposters or perhaps we dislike how "confronting" negotiating can feel. No matter what the reason, by not facing our fear we are continuing to lose out on the value we could have claimed.
Fear is a very physical response. When you are afraid, stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are released. You begin to breathe faster and your heart rate increases. Recognizing this response and understanding how to regulate it is a real and attainable superpower.
Certainly, with time and practice, the common feeling of uneasiness can be overcome. We wanted to dive deeper into these fears. So we asked three of our WIN coaches what they found to be the common fear that is often associated with negotiating and how women, in particular, can overcome that fear.
Nekpen Osuan Wilson:
A common fear often associated with negotiating is the fear of being told “no” or “not now.” While feeling rejected or denied for your ask can sting the ego, it is not as bad as succumbing to fear and having that stagnant your potential to earn and have more instead of leaving money on the table.
The best way to overcome rejection is to see it as an opportunity to build understanding about the company’s place and the value of your work and effort to date. Being told no is only the beginning - be sure to ask why you got a no and that will unlock your perspective and focus in terms of personal development focus and will shed light on how you can communicate and provide greater value in your workplace.
Bianca Di Paoli:
Women often blame lack of confidence for their reluctance to negotiate. But if we dig deeper into this matter, what we find is that women may have concrete reasons to be hesitant to make demands and assert themselves.
Studies have shown that when women speak up, display ambition, or present themselves as self-assured, society often labels them bossy and not personable. While they often receive the message to act decisively, the dominant expectation is for women to be cooperative and agreeable. As an HRB article explains, women's personalities and attitudes are often under the microscope, while men are typically judged on delivery and outcome.
As a result, women frequently find themselves in a bind: speak up too much, and you will be seen as overbearing and unlikable; speak up too little, and you lack confidence and leadership skills. With this dilemma at hand, it is easy to see why women would approach negotiation with hesitation.
How can women overcome that fear?
I generally work with women to embrace their own negotiating style. Given how difficult it is to hit the assertiveness "sweet spot" demanded of women, being authentic and following one's true values is likely to be more productive than aiming at unreachable social ideals.
With my clients, I often explore how to leverage one's natural strengths in negotiations. For example, many women are highly skilled when it comes to listening and understanding different viewpoints. Empathy and perspective-taking are crafts practiced throughout their personal and professional lives – and these skills are instrumental when engaging in complex discussions.
In the give and take of a negotiation practice, knowing what motivates the other person is an invaluable asset. But precisely because women are attuned to others' needs and wishes, they often expect others to be tuned to theirs. However, in the professional world, it is best not to make such assumptions. Instead, the key is to be explicit about our achievements and goals and make demands our way.
Elizabeth Suarez:
The biggest fear I have seen is rejection. We seem to focus so much on what we want, that when we hear a no from the other party we are devastated. In reality, we need to assume that more than 3/4 of our asks will initially result in a no for an answer. However, that doesn't mean it's a dead-end. I view the answer of no as a u-turn or better yet, a New Opportunity. We need to categorize the no as a new data point, which indicates the need for modification in order to continue and move the conversation forward. Obviously, on some occasions, the conversation can't be altered. Instead of taking it as a dissolution, take the new information and think creatively for a new alternative you can bring back to the conversation at a later date.
The best way to overcome any fear to negotiate is by over-preparing yourself. This doesn't mean simply focusing on what you want and the reasons why you deserve it. This means, truly understanding the other party's perspective on the subject. The most efficient way to prepare for any type of negotiation is by answering the following questions in detail.
What are 3 ways you as a leader can solve the situation at hand?
What are 3 ways you can compromise to keep the discussion moving forward, even when it isn't going your way?
What is the other party's perspective on the subject? Additionally, what are the needs and headaches from the other party when it comes to this subject?
When I pose these questions to clients, many times they counter by stating they have no idea how to find the answers. The answers might not be readily available to you, but they can be found via a better understanding of the other party's network. I always encourage them to reach out to other networks not as gossip but more as an interested reporter who wants to solve a situation. By doing this, you come to a stronger understanding of the individual's situation and even have additional data that you can use to formulate better options.
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