How to Ask for What You Want
Written By: Katie Johnson, WIN Staff
CREDIT: rawpixel on Pixabay
You know that moment - hands become sweaty, mouth suddenly dry. You tell yourself over and over in your head to just say it. Just say it already. It can’t hurt to ask. Speak up. And the sooner you say it the easier it will be. Yet, the fear holds you down. You shrink back, trying to put the feeling out of your head. Pretending as if fear is somehow your friend, there to save you from embarrassment. If only asking for what you wanted wasn’t so difficult. You pause to belittle yourself for not standing up - for not speaking out. Thinking, don’t worry...I’ll get another chance...and next time I won’t be so afraid… If this scenario sounds familiar to you — you are not alone.
In the Harvard Business Review article, Nice Girls Don’t Ask, three separate studies found that women are less likely than men to negotiate for what they want.
As girls, growing up we are repeatedly told to keep quiet, that we are the gentler sex, that we should be satisfied with what we have, and that we should take care of others’ needs before our own. These kinds of experiences become subconsciously ingrained in how we see ourselves.
As women, we face unique challenges through cultural norms, and consequences for making direct asks. We fear we will come across as bossy or aggressive in ways our male counterparts do not. This holds us back from taking risks and for making the ask. Instead we often walk away without clearly articulating our message or what we hoped to achieve. One of the first steps we must take to overcome this subconscious bias is to move past these internalized stereotypes of women.
Whether it is a lifetime of experiences that have made us feel inadequate or a fear that doing well might make someone else feel inadequate, it compels us to look inward to discover the true reason we are afraid to make the ask.
Overcoming the Mental Roadblocks
First get clear on what it is that you want. Take the time to figure it out. Whether through meditation, journaling, or whatever other tools you lean on to help silence the external noise, before you can see the full picture, you need to dive inward. Once you know exactly what it is that you want, you’ll be able to ground yourself in why you are doing what you are doing. Make sure what you want aligns with your belief system. Then be open to that desire changing. As we grow older, our beliefs and desires change so keep looking for clarity.
There is a certain amount of vulnerability that goes in to the ask. This is probably where most fear stems from. But note, asking for something is completely human. One way to overcome that fear-based barrier is to view the ask through the lens of an opportunity to make a human connection.
Crafting the Perfect Ask
In certain aspects of interpersonal relationships, we are constantly looking for better ways to have our lovers, friends, family members, co-workers, and even strangers accede to our wishes. Our asks take all shapes and forms. Do you want a raise from your boss but are intimidated to ask? Or is it just a seat on a crowded bus? Are you hoping to get a particular birthday gift from a loved one? Do you need an errand done by a friend? Any opportunity to ask is an opportunity to negotiate.
When it comes to deeply personal relationships, it should be natural to reveal our deepest desires. Yet, timidity can hold us back.
Luckily we have culled a few tried and tested tips for you to practice when crafting the perfect ask:
Be reasonable: the reasonable you are in your communication, the more likely you are to be met with a thoughtful response, rather than an emotional knee jerk reaction.
Be specific: know what you want, when and from who. Getting granular will also make it easier for the person to be able to help you. If you are sending an email, put the ask up front and early and then again in the close of the message.
Keep it simple: feel free to give alternative options, but limit it to one or two so as not to overwhelm.
Be selective: only ask people who you think will be able to solve your problem — otherwise it is a waste of both your time.
Be confident: body language is key. Make eye contact. Put a clear request at the end and pause after the ask, even though you might be tempted to keep speaking. Give the person space to respond.
Show consideration: be sensitive to the person’s state of mind, or emotional state. If it doesn’t feel like a good time to ask it probably isn’t.
Ask, and ask again: don’t be nervous about asking more than once. We all live busy lives. People forget. Emails fall through the cracks. Asking more than once, if done respectfully is not necessarily a no-no but can show determination and grit.
Embrace a positive attitude: always assume the person you’re asking would be delighted to help you. Your projecting positivity will open you and your counter-party up to a more creative, and positive dialogue.
To become good at asking for what you want, you’ll have to practice. See every small ask as practice for the bigger ask. When we don’t give people the opportunity to help, it’s surprising how little help we get. It’s not about having another person go to great lengths for you. It’s about creating a scenario where someone who wants to give, can match with what you want.
Facing Rejection
By default, if you don’t ask, you are already accepting “no” as the outcome. Try and face rejections as reflections. Ask yourself, “What is their point of view?” “Could I have been more specific?” “How can be more confident in my ask?” Reflect on what might have gone wrong to improve upon your next ask. And do not globalize: one no, does not mean a lifetime of no’s.
Be audacious in asking. We can all learn from Jai Jiang, who found that he had taken the safe route his entire life. Through this realization he decided to face his fear of rejection head on. To ask, and ask, and ask. These things ranged from driving a cop car, playing soccer in a stranger’s backyard, even flying a helicopter! And much to his surprise, people said yes. This began his love affair with rejection, and opened a whole new world for him outside of fear.
Shyness. Timidness. Fear of rejection. An innate deep-seated discomfort around asking. These are things that hold us back. Don’t give fear so much power in your life. Ruminating over a disappointing outcome only lowers your self-esteem. It’s hard to know your worth. Even those we view as outwardly successful can still feel unsure and can suffer from Impostor Syndrome. Asking for what you want takes a lifetime of practice but hopefully you will feel a bit more emboldened and inspired through the eight points outlined above because nobody wants to live their life feeling like they have settled, or being plagued by those two small words: ‘what if...’