Dealing with Emotions in Negotiation
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Written by Mallory J. Stevens(i), Mediator and Conflict Resolution Consultant, WIN Negotiation Coach and former WIN Summit Speaker
You’re sitting at the negotiation table, utterly frustrated as a colleague, or perhaps your boss, stubbornly clings to her position. Downtown, a mother feels like pulling her hair out of her head trying to get her son to clean his room. Across town, a couple can’t agree on Thai or Italian. We negotiate almost every day since, after all, conflict’s a part of life. And most of the time, we’re not even aware we’re doing it.
Whether you’re an experienced negotiator or not, you can be sure of one thing: Everyone involved in the negotiation will be experiencing various sorts of emotion, positive as well as negative. The worst thing you can do is to ignore them. And the most essential first step in managing those emotions in negotiation is to be mindful of them, which can begin by simply “naming” them in your head. Likewise, we need to be mindful of the other party’s emotions.
Negative and positive emotions alike have the potential to work for or against parties in a negotiation,(ii) so it’s important to understand both their potential impact and how we can help manage them.
No matter the type of negotiation, positive emotions can lead to more collaboration between the parties. They’re more likely to lead to greater flexibility and increased motivation to reach a mutually satisfactory resolution.(iii) Conversely, positive feelings also can potentially work to one’s detriment. For example, a negotiator who’s feeling enthusiastic and overly confident could lose focus, end up overlooking details of the other’s arguments and even be vulnerable to disreputable tactics.(iv)
Negative emotions — such as anger, fear, frustration, guilt, humiliation — can affect concentration, divert attention from substantive issues and damage relationships. They can affect the parts of our brains that enable us to reason and exercise judgment; in other words, a recipe for potential disaster in negotiation. At the same time, negative emotions also have the potential for bringing about positive results: They can highlight possible obstacles to settlement and motivate the parties to overcome them and seek solutions — or, perhaps, to bow out.(v) Research also shows that, given the power of emotions in negotiation, we need to be particularly well prepared for negotiators who may use positive and/or negative emotions to strategically manipulate the other side to conform to certain notions or agree to proceed in a particular way.(vi)
The good news is that while emotions are hard-wired, they are also pliable. Harvard scholars Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, in their book Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate,(vii) provide a useful framework to enable us to deal with emotions — ours and the other party’s — without letting them overpower us.
The authors identify five relationship-focused “core concerns” they assert underlie and ultimately provoke emotions, whether positive or negative, in a negotiation. They are:
Appreciation — Thoughts and ideas are acknowledged, not devalued.
Affiliation — Interaction is collegial, not adversarial
Autonomy — Authority to make decisions is respected, not encroached upon
Status — Stature is given full recognition, not belittled
Role — Role and responsibilities are found fulfilling, not personally unsatisfying
We all share these concerns, and being aware of them can help us better understand both our own and the other party’s emotional states and behavioral motivations. This insight can help foster reciprocally positive emotions and, as a matter of fact, the core concerns can even be used intentionally to set a positive tone to the negotiation. Expressing appreciation of your counterpart’s ideas doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them, but the respect and empathy you show will go a long way to set a positive tone. Everyone wants to feel “heard,” and when we feel heard and respected, we’re much more able to hear and understand each other. Positive emotions can be stimulated, and like begets like.
OK, you might ask, but what about that negotiating bully (fill in whatever word you prefer) who rolled his eyes and denigrated your proposals last week? Your core concern to be appreciated was dishonored. Chances are you felt angry or frustrated, who knows, perhaps even vindictive. Our natural impulse — whether freeze, flight or fight — can only end up sabotaging the negotiation. Managing a negative emotion doesn’t mean it’s necessarily eradicated; it simply means the intensity’s toned down enough for you to regulate it and not be distracted from the negotiation issues.
Better equipped to manage our own emotions, what can we do to stimulate more positive emotions on both sides and overcome barriers? William Ury, in his book Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations,(viii) offers some practical recommendations, all relevant to the five core concerns.
Don’t React. “Go to the Balcony.” Take a breath, imagine you’re stepping onto a balcony or take a break. Use this time to remain focused on your needs and interests, on what you want to achieve and to remember your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement).
Don’t Argue. “Step to their Side.” Arguing only serves to escalate, so you’ll want to diffuse their negative emotions. They expect you to be an adversary, so do the opposite: Acknowledge their perspective, show empathy, show respect. If we can change our attitude and treat the other as a negotiating partner rather than an adversary, we demonstrate we’re looking to reach a fair, mutually acceptable agreement and will stand more of a chance of reaching it.
Don’t Reject. “Reframe.” This means reflecting back what’s said, maintaining the essence of the message — but removing the provocation. Don’t take the emotional bait. Practice active listening (reflecting back, reframing, asking open-ended questions, showing empathy). Be mindful of your own reactions and theirs.
Don’t Push. “Build a Golden Bridge.” The more we push a solution, the more someone will reject it. We’re looking to bridge the gap between their interests and ours.
Don’t escalate. “Use Power to Educate.” Ury says, “The key mistake we make when we feel frustrated is to abandon the problem-solving game and turn to the power game instead.”
No reason to let emotions get the better of us in negotiation and sabotage the chances for a positive outcome. Better prepared, we can leave our trepidations at the door.
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This article is an edited version of one originally published in The Resolver, the Alternative Dispute Resolution Section of the Federal Bar Association’s newsletter, Winter 2017.